Cynically Yours

As Monica always stated, " Welcome to the real world!".

We are the lot of youthful blood who are impatient, cumbersome, and edgy for affection. And, who am I not to be part of that group.

We have seen that the meaning of love has changed a lot of times since last one decade. It's a pleasant fantasy to desire someone who's unalterably there for us, regardless of how obnoxious we might be. Who loves us not only for the pretty face but the confidence that we have endured all along our way till there.

Sure, we want to be accepted for who we are.

But here's the rub: are we actually being who we really are?

Under all the love and the pressure of making it work, we eventually lose our own personality. We just lose ourselves in our romantic relationships.

Why?

Primarily we do it because we think that we need some external thing to make us valuable. Although we are not even consciously aware of it, what we are actually telling ourselves is that we need this thing - whatever it is - in order to be worthy; We need it because it makes us and our partner feel happy. Unfortunately, our brains are wired to choose happiness even when it's not really safe or healthy for us at all. In the name of being selfless in love we become this person who would not only unjust our own self, but in a long turn be harmful to the relationship too.

Even I sacrificed who I was and my own needs in order to maintain a relationship I thought I needed to be whole. I revealed to him that I had faith in doing anything for the one I love and that certain people, like me, never abandons love.

But, I began to grow resentful of giving up vital parts of myself. I wasn't being selfish but the selfless love for myself didn't allow me to change.

I had to decide between two choices, either be the person I was becoming, gullible enough for love or let go of the one thing that made me this insecure, paranoid person.

My heart was constantly torn between " Go" and " Stay".

Though I had the answer clear in my mind. I had faith in the quote "until the very end", I have acknowledged it since the very first time I saw it in Harry Potter.

But, when it came directly down to it, the skin of my face looked so white and vulnerable that I couldn't do it. There was this thin blue heartbeat under my thumb that needed to send that text which said "Stay", yet someplace deep I had already realized that I'll never press the sent button. I needed to put myself first. I owe myself the love that I have contemplated upon him in even in such a brief period of time. So, late that night opening the journal, I inhaled the smell of the old pages, so sharp, so dry; and culled the remaining thoughts of mine.

To those Brown Eyes,

I have never intended to be that girl who might push you away. You have been the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I couldn't be living in a fancy. I'll have to let go of you. Know that I have always loved you.

Cynically yours,

Anubha